Bringing the Family Home for Dinner
by carefreewishes
Summary: Because looking back, it should've been obvious that Zoro's ability to nap just about anywhere was going to come back and bite him one day. Usopp couldn't help but wonder, just what the hell had he done to end up on a ship full of psychopaths? Two shot.
1. Chapter 1

In Usopp's point of view, because I feel like I don't give him enough attention.

Also! I have a livejournal now. So I'm going to start posting stuff on there as well. carefreewishes dot livejournal dot com

Just replace the dots with . and get rid of the spaces. :-)

Disclaimer: I do not own One Piece.

Warning: There's one or two swear words.

* * *

When Usopp first saw _it_ coming toward the Thousand Sunny, his first instinct was to declare how he couldn't leave the ship due to his 'can't-go-on-that-island-or-I'll-die' disease. But unfortunately, the island they were docked at was perfectly normal, if not a bit humid. The place was renowned for its swamps; home to unnaturally large crocodiles. Which considering everything they'd been through recently,

Luffy had spent the day with Robin and Franky going crocodile hunting, he had volunteered to go help Sanji with picking up supplies from the market, Chopper, Brook and Nami had stayed on the ship to keep watch, and Zoro had walked off muttering something about finding a place to nap.

Secondly, whatever it was, it was heading towards the Sunny.

This left him with no choice but go to his second instinct; hide behind one of the stronger members of the crew - in this case, Luffy - and wait for the whole thing to be done with.

"H-hey guys? There's something heading for the ship… Don't you think one of us should go check it out? Like Sanji or Zoro?"

"Swordsman-san is still in town." Robin injected, her voice unconcerned. She did, however, put her book down, gaze fixed on the shape heading towards their ship.

There was a snort from Nami's direction. "He's still lost, you mean. He better hurry up though, Sanji-kun will kill him if he's late for lunch because he couldn't find the ship again."

"Guys, what're you on about?" Luffy asks, removing his finger from his nose to point at the person – it had come close enough for them to see that it was in fact a human, despite it's strange appearance - that was coming towards them. "Zoro's right there."

"Luffy, that's not Zoro!" Usopp argued, adjusting his sniper goggles to get a better look at the thing. "It's covered in moss and mud and some plants I don't think I know the name of, and, and some kind of red and greeny-brown slime! And it's got… three spikes on its back! It's hideous!"

"It smells of blood whatever it is. Even though I have no nose to smell with!"

"Brook's right. There's a lot of blood. Maybe it's injured?" Chopper offered, panic seeping into his voice "We need a doctor! Call a doctor!"

However, at the same time the slime covered man reached the ship and started to climb aboard, Luffy's hands stretched out, covering the Devil Fruit's mouth and in turn smothering his calls for a doctor, broad grin in place.

"Chopper, don't worry. It's Zoro; he's just a bit dirty. Maybe he fell over. Hey, Zoro!"

And sure enough, lifting a hand to wipe away mud that had dripped onto his face from his hair, Zoro's trademark scowl and glare greeted them all as he reached the deck, boots making a loud squelching noise.

The swordsman looked like he'd spent the day swimming through the swamp's murky waters rather than the nap he left the group to take. The only patch of skin visible was his face, and even then, bits of sludge were dripping from his hair, ferns and other swamp dwelling plants clinging to his skin. Unsurprisingly, his swords had somehow managed to escape the fate their master had suffered.

Looking away, Usopp caught Nami's eye, who just shrugged and looked at Zoro as if to say '_You had time to clean your swords, but not yourself?_'

"Zoro! There's blood! Are you okay? Are you hurt? Do we need a doctor?" Chopper's rapid fire questions broke the silence that had boarded the ship with the swordsman, having finally managed to push Luffy's hand away from his mouth, drawing attention to the fact that along with half the island's marshland, Zoro had to have at least three of four pints of blood covering his body.

Zoro shook his head, still glaring at some unknown point on the horizon. "It's not mine."

How Luffy of all people knew it w_as _Zoro underneath all the blood and moss, Usopp wasn't sure. Sighing, he put it down to the weird Zoro-Luffy bond the two shared; the same thing that let Luffy know that this was his swordsman instead of a swamp monster, was probably the same thing that had Zoro switching from midday nap to being half way across the deck before Luffy had even realised he'd slipped overboard _again_.

Stepping out from behind his Captain, Usopp blinked, finally looking away from the pirate-turned-swamp-monster to frown in confusion at Robin's amused smile. In fact, every member of the crew, apart from Sanji who was busy preparing lunch, had some form of amusement showing on their face.

Now Zoro wasn't the type of man that really cared about his appearance, and unlike the cook, he was unlikely to get so worked up over the fact his shirt would probably never be white again.

In fact, the only reason the shirt Zoro had left the ship in a shirt that looked brand new that morning was because it _was_ brand new. Nami had grudgingly given him some money to buy new clothes at the last port they'd stopped at.

But right now, Zoro looked like he wanted to murder something. Eying a particularly large patch of blood on the swordsman's left knee, Usopp decided that it wasn't too farfetched to assume that Zoro had at least tried to do that before returning to the ship.

It wasn't until the sniper finally looked back at the green haired swordsmen that he realised why Luffy's grin was so wide, and why Nami's shoulders were shaking from barely contained laughter.

Zoro was completely covered in moss. It practically covered his upper body, bright green standing out against the dark colour of the mud. It trailed up his arms, spreading to his shoulders and chest, where it continued to climb up the sides of his neck until it vanished into his hair line, matching the colour of his hair exactly.

Usopp was torn between laughing until he cried or crying because Zoro was proving just how threatening a person could look, despite being covered head to toe in mud.

"Not one God damned word."

He was looking in Usopp's direction when he growled the sentence out, and the only thing that kept the sniper from diving for cover was the fact that he knew – hoped – it was aimed more at their Captain, who was currently rocking on the balls of his feet, a grin of pure unadulterated joy on his face, than Usopp himself.

Whatever Luffy was going to say was cut off by the sound of the kitchen door opening, followed by the sound of Sanji's shoes hitting the deck.

The cook had yet to say anything, and Zoro didn't break away from attempting to burn a hole through Luffy's grin by the power of his glare alone, but Usopp could see the slightest twitch in the swordsman's eyebrow.

Usopp gulped, trying to ignore the nervous sweat that had broken out on his forehead. This was not going to end well.

"Hey, Marimo! You should've told me you were bringing your family to dinner! I would've made more food!"

An inhuman growl that sounded suspiciously like '_Fucking cook_' rumbled from Zoro before he jumped at Sanji, two swords unsheathed before Usopp could fully comprehend the man had moved.

They'd only stopped fighting when Franky had somehow managed to wrestle down and pin Zoro to the deck whilst Robin simultaneously moving his swords out of his reach, and Nami managed to convince – which didn't wasn't very hard to do – Sanji that paying attention to her was far more important than fighting the swordsman.

Peeking out from behind one of the crates they had yet to put away– Luffy had burst out laughing as soon as Zoro's attention was off him and was no longer a safe place to hide – Usopp let out a shaky sigh.

What the _hell_ had he done to end up on a ship full of psychopaths?


	2. Chapter 2

MissJudged16's review made me remember the little add on I had lurking around for this fic.

I hope you enjoy!

Oh and if any of you lovely people feel like giving me prompts that would be fabulous and I would shower you in pictures of cats.

Disclaimer: I do not own One Piece.

Warning: There's one or two swear words.

* * *

"Isn't there a marine base on this island?" Nami questioned, eying the tray Sanji was bringing over with a happy smile. The cook had felt the need to make a delicious banana split for her and Robin – and in turn, the rest of the crew – to apologize for his behaviour earlier.

"Correct as ever, my beautiful Nami-swan~! Usopp and I saw it when we were in the market place."

"Shouldn't we set sail then? Urgh, Luffy, stop chewing the damn table, yours is coming now."

"I don't think so, Navigator-san." Robin shook her head, an amused smile playing on her lips. "There are rumours of an ambush from earlier today. Apparently, a training exercise was interrupted by some sort of demon. Quite a large number of their men were taken out. They'll be too worried with treating such a large number of men to bother with our little crew tonight."

"A demon?" Luffy asked. Or at least, that's what Nami assumed he meant. The idiot had shoved his banana split in his mouth the moment his plate had touched the table, so the question had actually come out as "_Arebon?"_

"Yes, they believe it was an angered spirit from the marshes, it seems that whatever it was, was completely covered in moss and the like."

Slowly, seven pairs of eyes, and a pair of eye sockets turned towards the swordsman lounging at the end of the table – hair still damp from the long shower he'd had to take to get rid of the plants he'd come home in – who for all purposes looked completely indifferent.

"… They were pathetic." Zoro relented at last when they refused to look away, scowling at the grin that was growing on his Captain's face. "Buggy could've taken them out."

"Demon pirate hunter Zoro, yeah right. More like demon of the fucking _swamps_ Zoro!" Sanji barked out, clutching his stomach as he doubled over laughing, oblivious to the dangerous aura that had formed around Zoro.

"You're dead, cook. You hear me? _Dead_."


End file.
